Mattalogue; Summer, Elephants and Green Buttocks.

Summer! The season of music festivals, BBQ’s, 90 minute movies with 88 minutes of explosions and 2 of gratuitous cleavage shots and of course shirtless men. It’s an oft’ referenced cliché of us Brits, if the sun makes an appearance for more than a minute you’ll find us all outside. Leaving nothing to the imagination, pale spare tyres squeezing themselves out of tight tracksuit bottoms. Desperate for their fix of UV.

I’ve never found tans that appealing myself, which is irritating because I always wind up with one, even when I didn’t want to. No, especially when I didn’t want to. I’ll never forget when I came back from my Christmas Holiday in South Africa, people at school were amazed (and perhaps just a little bit jealous) that I had a wonderful golden tan in January. I say ‘wonderful’ it stopped quite abruptly just above my elbows and just below the knees. But I’m pretty sure they have to as part of a British law.

Currently I’m in the town that time forget once more, doing errands for relatives. My Grandmother likes to think she’s the matriarch of the family, the alpha female elephant. Strong, intimidating and with unquestionable leading skills. However in this plane of existence we call ‘reality’ she is in fact more like the Tick attached to the aforementioned elephants nipple. Perhaps the best description of her is “Hyacinth Bucket with cataracts”.

I’d say the customary “but I digress” around about now, except I don’t really have anything to digress from. Life at the moment is great, I have a loving family, a great girlfriend, equally fantastic friends (never let it be said I’ll not include them now I’m ‘in a relationship, I’m not that pathetic) food in the cupboard and most importantly…24 hour internet access.

I’m only one step away from perfection in my life right now; air conditioning in every room of this damn sweat box of a house. If I didn’t know any better I’d say Satan himself was taking a summer break in the foundations of the house. Oh wait, make that a possible two steps away from perfection – it’s not natural for your buttocks to glow green under low lighting is it? Not that mine do…just a friend of a friend was asking y’see.