On Posses of Mentally Imbalanced Clowns. Or, 'FUCKIN' MAGNETS'

So during my early morning web browsing today I came across the latest video by that bastion of intellectual rap. Insane Clown Posse. For the uninitiated, they are classed as a ‘horror-rap’ group, of course, don’t let that label fool you. They aren’t exactly modern day equivalents of Alice Cooper mixed with Eminem. In fact they’re more like Uncle Kracker (of Kid Rock and ‘Follow Me’ fame…) after having his younger sister experiment on him with their mums make up. So there I was, sat in bed watching two moderately obese white men wearing make up rapping on the ‘magic of life’. The sound was turned down to a barely audible level in case my housemates caught me listening to this and spurned me. My window was closed in case the sound wafted outside and irritated my psychotic-bipolar-patio-building neighbour (but more on him when my wells run dry).

With the opening line this song had already hooked me in “y’see Mike, we got a theory, about magic”. I don’t know who Mike is, maybe one of the members of this ‘horror-rap’ outfit, maybe he’s a friend of theirs whose intellectual approval they constantly desire, or maybe they’re just really fond of their microphone. But anyway, for the next 4 minutes and 22 seconds I was consciously surpressing my desire to burst out laughing, for you see dear reader these two men (whose names I honestly can’t be bothered to Google, it’s probably better that way) began to rap –badly- to me about ‘magic’ and how they are thankful for it. And we should feel the same, or no doubt their entourage of make-up bearing ALL CAPSSSS! typing 14 year old fans would try to assault us or something. And while as an agnostic I do believe that there are many things around us in the world that cannot be explained, like the complexity of the brain, people who have been in situations/had conditions where death was almost certain and yet they pulled through. Ghosts. And the popularity of broccoli.

However what evidence do ICP give for the world around them being run on ‘magic’? : coughs : “long necked giraffes and pet cats and dogs”, “Niagara falls and the pyramids”. Okay, so far out of 4 examples they’ve given 2 of them are ‘man made’, cats and dogs came along through selective breeding - anyone with a GCSE in science knows that…oh, wait, nevermind. The Pyramids were either built by advanced aliens (if you like your head wrapped in tinfoil of course) or Egyptian slaves/peasants being given the ultimate work incentive, a jolly good whipping! Take your pick. The long neck of the Giraffe is explained with the same old reason that explains the beautiful plumage of birds, and how morons like ICP came to be. Sex. See apparently male Giraffes attack each other with their necks for breeding rights, the longer the neck the easier it is for them to win.

Okay, next examples! “I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay, it tried to eat my cellphone” so apparently stupid Pelican’s are now the product of a wizard ey? Then comes the warning from the skinnier member of the duo “this shit’ll blow your motherfucking mind” indeed it has. Indeed it has. And soon up comes my second favourite line in the whole piece, “…and fuckin’ magnets! How do they work?” the line made all the better by a close up of skinny guys make-up covered confused face like he’s trying to ponder the scale of the cosmos, or a Japanese GPS manual. Magnets, again are explained to any kid who did high school level…oh forget it! “And I don’t want to talk to a scientist, y’all motherfuckers lying, getting me pissed” ahhhhh. That explains SO much really.

Now here it comes, my favourite lyric of the day : blows fanfare : “And Shaggy’s little boys look just like Shaggy : close up of two 5 year olds trying to look tough, with their arms folded and their faces covered in make up…must be fans : and my little boy looks just like Daddy”. It sorta makes you speculate about the state of their marriages when they think it is a miracle that their kids look like them.

Anyway, enough text-walls, in conclusion I can sort of see what the guys were aiming for, however in an attempt to perpetuate the tough-guy image held by them and their fans (also known as ‘Juggalo’s’, really nice people, unless your dress sense or personality differs from theirs) they seem to have succumbed to classic surreal idiocy. For a more witty, intelligent and colourful deconstruction of this eye-sodomising music video (oh yeah, I forget to mention the visuals, I’ll let you investigate for yourself) see here; http://www.cracked.com/blog/learn-your-motherfuckin-science-with-the-icp

And now to prove I’m not a totally Grinch like hater of people everywhere, here’s some happy news; http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/36218043/ns/today-today_people/

Oh, and if you disagreed with any of the above, you sir, are worse than Hitler. Good day!